I feel like my head has been invaded by wrackspurts. Everything has turned to fuzz. Maybe it’s this pregnancy. Maybe it’s stress from work and motherhood. Maybe it’s just that time of year. And maybe it really is wrackspurts.
The good news is that marching band is almost over. As much as I love marching band and teaching color guard… HALLELUJAH!!! I have been so busy and it has invaded every part of my life. I don’t feel like I am getting the things done at home that I need to. My kids aren’t getting the attention they need. Aiden is having a great school year overall, but there are some parts just falling behind. I attribute it to the fact that I’m not home most afternoons or evenings to truly oversee homework time. Dallin’s year is getting better, now that he’s been moved to a new class. He still has his moments — at school, church, and home — but overall he seems to be doing well. We’re trying to nip the angry reactions and behavior in the bud… and it mostly works. Again, I feel like if I were home more I could be more on top of things. I also just feel like they are feeling left out so much. They need their mom’s attention and I’m not giving it to them. I do not know how working moms can find the balance of work, motherhood, and home. My house is a complete disaster. Truly a disaster… I don’t mean it like most people when they say “oh my house is such a mess” when really it means they have a couple of papers on the coffee table and a couple of toys scattered on the floor. I mean, this is a true disaster. It’s disgusting. Dishes aren’t getting washed, laundry isn’t even making it into baskets, much less getting done. There are school papers spread everywhere, shoes scattered throughout the house, and actual trash covering the floor. I hate Halloween candy wrappers, by the way. I don’t know the last time the bathrooms have been cleaned, and I hate the fingerprints all over the pantry door, back door, cupboards, bedroom doors, bathroom doors, etc. The banister (which is supposed to be white) looks like I was trying an inking technique to “antique” it, but it didn’t work. The carpets, which were once upon a time a light beige color, are dark brown with black spots all over. I need to get the carpets professionally cleaned. Badly. But who has money for that? The bedrooms have piles of clothes everywhere that we need to go through and get rid of because they don’t fit anyone, toys are scattered everywhere, and Legos have taken over the floor of the Spare Oom so badly I can’t walk in there to put anything away. I am so overwhelmed I don’t even know where to start. I would like it all to burn down so we can start from scratch.
This pregnancy is kicking my butt. Seriously. I went to the doctor on Monday and she said, “Have you been nauseous? Because you’ve lost quite a bit of weight since the last time you were here.” Uhhh, yeah!! I know you’re not my regular doctor, but it should be there in the file that I requested medication last time, too. I literally cannot count how many times a day I vomit. I lose count. Nothing is staying in me. Nothing. I eat, and I vomit. I don’t eat, and I vomit. There is not compromise. So a month ago I was put on Zofran (a medication that is given to chemo patients to reduce nausea). Well, the Zofran worked as far as getting rid of the nausea. That was the good news. The bad news was that it made me dizzy and fuzzy and I felt like I was going to pass out constantly. I woke up in the middle of the night one night and my body felt like lead. I literally couldn’t lift my arms. So I quit taking the Zofran, thinking it was better to be sick than to pass out in the car while I was driving to work or something.
I had always heard that having babies in your 20s is completely different than having babies in your 30s. I’m here to testify… that is TOTALLY TRUE. I had the three boys all in my 20s, and while I don’t have the easiest pregnancies, they were all easier than this one is. I am already having Braxton Hicks! I am 12 weeks now, and on Sunday I noticed I was having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions. They don’t hurt at all. They are just kind of intense for this early in the pregnancy, at least from what I’m used to. I have had a few every night. Also, I can’t believe how tired and lacking of energy I am. I mean, the first trimester has always been the hardest for me, and maybe it’s just been long enough that I don’t remember, but this is SO hard. I just want to sleep all day, every day. I have a hard time getting the motivation to do anything. I’m just so out of it all the time. Anyway… enough of the pregnancy complaints.
I so often feel like I’m failing in all my duties and I don’t know where to start in order to get back on track. It’s just easier to blame it all on pregnancy or work-related stress or wrackspurts. Here’s hoping I can get things worked out and get back on track… soon…