I know I haven’t written in a while. Things have gotten really crazy around my house and in my life. I didn’t feel comfortable really talking about all that was going on with us in such a public forum as my blog (even though really, who reads this anymore? My visions of hundreds or even thousands of hits each month are completely gone) and it’s just easier to put up ambiguous statements on Facebook.
I still don’t feel all that comfortable going into much detail about what all had me stressed out because there wasn’t the satisfactory resolution I had hoped for. Instead, I feel like we’re just stuck where we are.
Don’t worry, Ches and I as a couple and a family are fine. More than fine. It’s nothing to do with that.
We’re just stuck and I worry too much and stress out way too easily. My hands started peeling… badly. I honestly thought I had leprosy at one point. My palms were itchy and red and raw. The sides of my fingers were rough and raw. And everything was peeing and it hurt like you wouldn’t believe. After months and months of peeling palms, my hands are mostly back to normal. I have one finger tip that is rough and peeling a bit, but that’s it now. Later, I got some inexplicable leg cramps. It felt like I had done some extreme workout, like P90X, without any stretching or warming up. I couldn’t walk up or down the stairs of our house with out pain. Heck, I couldn’t walk at all! And my hips were hurting anytime I tried to actually go out for a walk (although I blame that on being fat). I shouldn’t have hip problems at age 34. And I feel bad complaining at all about it when I know Karen and April have both gone through much worse. The leg cramps and hip pain have left. Next, my skin started to break out like I was 13. It was awful! I felt embarrassed to leave the house. I finally got that under control and I’m back to the normal 17 year old break outs. (Seriously… I’m 34. When will I stop breaking out like a teenager? Not fair) Now, however, my gall bladder seems to be acting up and I am having some weird digestive issues. I can’t eat without pain. I’m fine in the morning, but as the day progresses my stomach feels worse and worse. I have pain in my side from the gall bladder and pain at the top of my stomach from whatever else is going on.
I think my body is rebelling from all this stress.
I started having panic attacks more frequently again. That was the nice thing about being on Zoloft all those years ago. Not only is it an anti-depressant, but it’s anti-anxiety. Totally got rid of my panic attacks. I hate having those! I can’t breathe and I’m in pain… it’s hard to describe. I don’t know why I get them. They just come randomly and never at a convenient time.
I’m starting to seriously think of going back on medication. I’m sure everyone around me is breathing a sigh of relief and thinking, “FINALLY”, but it’s not been an easy decision for me. I hate being dependent on something. And yes, I understand all the reasoning behind why it’s okay to be on medication for my mental issues and anxiety (so no more “If you were a diabetic you would take insulin, right?” lectures. Really… I get it!). I just don’t like being dependent on something that to me is also highly addictive. If I don’t take it, my body goes through major withdrawals and I literally have a crash unless I’m weaned off the stuff. I don’t like that at all. However, I know that I am a better mom, wife, and overall person when I do take it. So… yeah. That’s my dilemma.
School is almost out for the summer, however. In 2 and a half weeks I’ll be on a plane to Switzerland. I can’t even tell you how excited I am! I know that things will turn out fine. I know that we have lots to look forward to and while we feel stuck in our current situation, we have the potential for some really great things to happen. The librarian at the school that I volunteer with suggested I apply for a job as a library aide for next year. It’s only a part time job, but it could be just the thing I’m looking for. There are lots of positives in our future… I just have to remember to look for them.
Back to your regularly scheduled blogging…