The Woman Has No Filter

This is a story of a woman who has tried my patience and who I don’t want to gossip about but after church today, I’m more than a little frustrated. Enough is enough. And too many of you asked on Facebook what I was talking about, so I’m giving you the loooooooong version. You love me. 🙂

As my faithful readers know, last year I was the Primary Chorister at church. That meant I was in charge of the music for the children — teaching them songs and leading them and such. It was a really hard job for me and I did not enjoy it. I think I did an okay job at it, but after our yearly Primary Program, I was more than ready for someone else to take over. In January I was released from that calling, and someone else got the job. I was asked if I would be willing to sub every so often, and I said yes. I subbed for her quite a few times (at the very last minute, I might add) and talked to her a bit on the phone to answer any questions she had. The new music leader asked me for any materials I used, and I gave her a couple of things I had, but there just wasn’t much to give. I wasn’t given anything because there really isn’t a budget for it, and besides, it was a new year and the kids were learning all new songs. The games I had made and the visual aids I made were for the old songs they had learned and performed already. They didn’t need that stuff anymore.

A couple of months later, I was at the park after school with my kids and a lot of the neighborhood moms and their kids. It’s what we do here. heh. Anyway, the woman who became the new primary chorister was putting some visual aids together and talking to some of the other moms about the whole thing and complaining that she hadn’t been given anything. I don’t know if she didn’t realize I was sitting there (2 feet away… not hidden by anything… talking to friends over there…), but I didn’t feel it necessary to say anything about it to her. Someone else said, “You know, other music leaders in the past have just made things on their own. But if there’s no money, they draw pictures on the chalkboard or whatever. You do what you can.” I appreciated my friend for saying that and thought that would be the end of it.

And then the new music leader said, “Well, I guess I just care more than other people.”

I got up and went to play with my children. I didn’t need to hear anymore. I guess I just didn’t care enough about the Primary children. Whatever.

This woman has aggravated me on a bunch of other issues since then, and I feel like I have been more than nice to her and supportive of her (even when I absolutely didn’t want to be). Maybe I’m two faced and totally fake to be smiling and nice to her and then go and complain about her to my husband and my close friends, but that’s me. Two faced and fake. You probably all know that by now.

It has been a long time since any of the stuff about music has been mentioned and I thought everyone was over it.

The new music leader is no longer the music leader. Hasn’t been for about 2 months or so.

Today, in Relief Society (the Sunday meeting for our women’s association), we were talking about our talents and how we can use those to serve and uplift and magnify our callings and such. There was a great discussion and I was feeling really edified and uplifted. Really.

And then this women commented. In her comment she said, “When I became the chorister, I was so scared and felt so inadequate. I was given NOTHING to help me out. NO handouts or anything and so I just felt unprepared. So when they put in the new Primary Chorister, I made sure to give her ALL of my handouts and visuals and I told her I would answer any questions she had and just help her out so she would know what to do.”

This woman said more (that I don’t remember exactly what she said, but the gist of it was more of the same), but I sat there like a statue. I determined I wouldn’t change my facial expression or say anything because really, there was nothing to say. She obviously thought I was not supportive of her by not giving her materials (that didn’t exist!). She obviously didn’t remember the advice she had asked me about. She obviously didn’t remember me subbing for her many times and even finding a sub for her a couple of times when I couldn’t do it because of other commitments.

This woman also obviously doesn’t realize how hurtful her comments could be to the people she was talking about. She often says things without thinking about who is there and listening. She has no filter and just says whatever she wants. And that is why I was so upset after church today and put the status on Facebook that I did. Now you know.


24 responses to “The Woman Has No Filter

  1. My mom, surrounded by a bunch of “say the first thing that comes to your head” people at work needed to learn a way to tell them that they were being rude without coming off the bad guy. Here’s what she taught me:

    You say (capital letters denote intonation): “That sounded so RUDE, did you really MEAN it that way?”
    Wait for the response. It is priceless.

    I use it once a week or so. Honestly.

  2. I am sorry you have to deal with this Sariah. I do have one thing to add here, but I think that by ignoring her comments and being friendly to her you are doing the right thing. I do not believe that it makes you two faced, it makes you more Christlike. Turn the other cheek and all that.

    I agree that what she said was horrible, I would be horrified as well, but I am also proud of how you are handling it. Good luck…

    • I just think that the part that makes me two-faced is that I smile at her and act like there’s no problem, then I turn around and complain about her to my friends. It’s not nice.

      Then again, I’m kind of done being nice to her. I wish I could just NOT interact with her at all… but there are too many ties right now.

  3. Hi. I did read it. I just don’t know what to say. What a horse’s mmhm. There will always be people like that out there… Thank goodness they aren’t the majority, or I’d probably have an aggressive personality by now…Which so far, I do not. 🙂 (I don’t believe that would be very pretty…So, yay for that. Heh. 😉
    I doubt I could be so longsuffering as you have been. I think eventually, I’d have cut that person out of my life as best as I could have.
    Should you see her approaching, duck out. That does not make you a chicken!


    • I ignore her and avoid her the best that I can. Like I said to April, I have a few too many ties right now. So I will continue to be civil, but also to stay away as much as i can. I don’t need her drama.

  4. Hugs!
    I have to agree with April, and comment on how proud I am of you for not engaging her and trying to slough it off.

    But I also have to say that Kris’ comment is GREAT! Please, if you’re ever face to face when she says something, please tell us what happens when you say that! 😀

  5. I don’t think you’re two-faced. You are trying to be forgiving to her, but that doesn’t mean that you have to have stuff bottled up inside, eating at you. I think venting to your husband or friends is fine. It’s not like you’re going around bad-mouthing her to everyone in your ward. I remember you telling me about her before, and as much as I’ve heard of this I could meet her face to face and have no idea of who she is (unless, of course, you told me). So no harm is being done.

    I’m sorry that you have to deal with this woman. I, too, think that if you have the opportunity you should use the line Kris said. I think it’d be funny. And it might make you feel better too. 🙂

  6. Sariah- I wish that I could be there to tell that lady a thing or two!! I wish that you could be here to help me. When I was a Relief Society teacher this particular lady in our ward would correct EVERYTHING that I said. One time I was talking about my mom and I said that she was just a stay at home mom, meaning nothing derogatory, just that she didn’t have a job outside of the home. Anyway, this lady totally jumped down my throat and yelled at me about how important stay at home moms are and on and on and on. As if I don’t know that! I am a stay at home mom!! Now that I am in the presidency she is the same way. I was announcing something and said the wrong date and she totally freaked out and wouldn’t stop for about 10 minutes. Even after she finally stopped she kept mumbling, NOT under her breath, about if people were going to announce things they should know what they are announcing. As if we couldn’t hear her. I know how you feel and I am sorry. Just remember how important you are and that some people are just mean to make themselves feel better. YOU are awesome!! Hang in there.

    • Someone (bishop???) needs to talk to the woman in your ward. That is more than ridiculous! Jump down her throat sometime, okay? (Yeah, I know you. Not going to happen). There has to be one crazy person in every ward, right? ugh.

      • The crazy thing is that the bishop has talked to her!! She stopped coming to church for a couple weeks and then was back, the same as ever. She thinks that she is above even the bishop and I know that is mean to say but man, you haven’t met this woman!! I am usually a pretty tolerant person but I have had to really bite my tongue around her, a lot!!!

  7. Primary chorister is hard. I’ve done it before and you have to be on every week, no breaks and a lot of preparation. That other lady is an idiot, has she never been to primary before? Doesn’t she know EVERY chorister makes her own stuff? Even if someone could hand you all the stuff pre-made, the kids would be bored with it. You have to always come up with new stuff.
    This makes me realize how much of a jerk I am because while I was chorister I made manila envelopes with props for every song I taught, some that were on the program and some that weren’t, plus a whole other set of props for nursery. (thank you clip art and my husband’s work’s laminator, not to mention the free paint stirrers from Home Depot) Anyway, when I was released I didn’t give any of my stuff to the next sucker, who knows if I will be called to that again and I don’t want to have to re-do everything. I have a whole box full of props that I painstakingly made in the wee hours of every Saturday night and I’m not giving those to some other joker.
    Even if you had given a crap load of handouts to that lady she probably would just complain about how you only used crayon instead of marker or purchased only bright pink poster board because it was on sale. People only appreciate the props they make themselves.
    If she brings it up again, just tell her you believe in being prepared and are starting a ‘food storage’ for callings and you can’t give her oil to fill her lamp, she’s got to earn it herself. Or don’t say it, just think it, plus interject a lot of ‘crap’s and ‘idiot’s for me.

    • I said it to you on FB, but seriously. You. Are. Awesome. And you’re totally right. No matter what I had done, she would have complained. That’s how she is. It’s not her way, so it’s wrong.

  8. Well I saw your posts and now I know what it’s about. Of course I agree with April and Heather. And I am really sorry you have to put up with someone who has an attitude like that.

  9. I was there, you did great, even if I nudged your back to acknowledge that I knew how mean she was saying was. The things that’s hard is that others don’t know how little filter she has until they learn the hard way and it causes issues at church as people feel bad for things they have not done for the next person and such and they shouldn’t. I truly believe in what I said that each person should do the calling that is right and in the right way for them and NOT judge others who come in and do it differently. This is the same person is who offended if the next leader feels inspired to do things her own way and not use their stuff. It is true that you can’t win. And on the passing things along thing, I use all my stuff like that for my FHE lessons as they have come out of my budget so I would never think to pass them on unless I’m done with them, which by then wouldn’t be use to the chorister, just another mom for their FHE lessons. You held yourself together amazingly today through it all….I was super impressed with you! I just wanted you to know. Also, I get to be the other end of that one as I won’t be doing the meeting formerly known as enrichment as it has been done in the past likely and she get’s her feelings hurt about that. Also, she already had me on fire when she talked about how if you aren’t attending “Neighborhood Action Group” activities then you aren’t supporting callings and such. Seriously please!!! They really don’t exist anymore in our ward. They were done away with over two years ago, she just doesn’t want to give up the “power” of a reason to complain by stopping doing those. If it was still a calling the other 6 people who were over it who have moved would have been replaced, and ones would have been started for the new areas in the ward as new houses have been built. But they haven’t so let it go already. Okay, so there is my ranting to join with yours.

  10. Duuuuuuuuuuuuude. slap that lady. Seriously… Some people are just so rude. Every ward has ’em. One of ours is in the RS presidency and I just don’t go to any class or activity that she is in charge of anymore because she is so RUDE.

    Like, one time we were having this informal rs dinner and it was when Nathan was out of town for months and when N’iel was still in the nonstop-screaming-craziness stage of the adoption and I didn’t have time to make the kids dinner cuz of everything else, so I brought them to the rs dinner. As soon as I walk in the door, Sister Rude tells me that the nursery is down the hall (uh, as if I haven’t been in this building for the past 3 yrs?). I tell her thank you and walk the kids over to the tables and sit them down. The activity starts and Sis R makes a general announcement that all the children should now go to the nursery (uh, my kids were the ONLY kids in there). I smiled at her and stayed put and let the kids take their time eating as much dinner as they wanted with me before taking them down to the nursery. I was *so* mad at Sis R though! Hello, there was TONS of food and the kids were actually behaving themselves really well. Seriously…every ward has as Sister R.

    I *love* what Kris said!!! I’m so going to use that in the future!!!

  11. I had a roomate like that in college – once she wouldn’t talk to me for days, and then her little minions (all my other roomates except 1 – can you say junior highschool menality? arrgh) got in on it. Finally I talked to her and she was mad about THE stupidest thing, and not only that but it never happened! Anyway, long story short, no matter how I apologized or totally wiped out the reason why she could be mad she would come up with another one until she told me I was too wrapped up in myself (because I didn’t know she had failed a math test).

    So I guess I am saying two things – one, you are not two faced – you are venting and that is a huge difference. I had to do the same thing, I tried to be as nice as I could but I had to vent to someone. 🙂 And, second, the other’s are right, she would have found something else to be mad at and I think you are handling it marvelously well.

  12. Sariah, I haven’t the time to read everyones comments but I did want to say this. I am so proud of you for not engaging her in her comments. You took the high road. Well done.

    Should this ever occur again though privately I would confront her and tell her how hurtful she was. Gives her a chance to apologize. Since she seems so caught up in how things affected her she might not even realize the effects her comments are making. Also so you can put this past you and maybe get rid of the not so nice feelings you have towards her.

  13. UG! People are so stupid sometimes!!! I think you are wonderful in every way! And to heck with her! (in the nicest possible way!)

  14. wow.

    this is one of those times that i wish I had not given up cursing. what a b..rat!

    i guess this could be one of those times where you “get” to pray for those who…etc, etc.

    i would be hurt by her and would confront her when i felt strong enough to not cry, of course.

    i think you were a great music leader!!!!!!

  15. Don’t take it personally, it wasn’t your responsibility to train the new chorister, that is the job of the presidency. If she is complaining that she didn’t get any help etc. then that reflects on the presidency not you.

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