My 3 Day Walk is almost here, and I’m NOT ready. I still have to raise $450 (or it comes out of my pocket… guess who is giving up her next two paychecks????), my period started today (I haven’t had it since the beginning of September… I’m so unpredictable… it couldn’t wait ONE more week??? I won’t be done and comfortable by Friday!!), and this evening I wrenched my lower back (OH! The pain! I can’t move… I can’t stand up straight… ).
I still need to either borrow or buy an airmattress so I don’t have to sleep on the ground. I still need some proper clothes to wear (I only have one actual pair of capris that I’ve been walking in, and I’m not wearing the same pair for 3 days in a row), and I need a new waist pack (mine is super small and only holds one water bottle, my cell phone, my driver’s license, and a small amount of cash and I need to hold 2 water bottles, my cell phone, body glide, chapstick, cash, ID, bandaids/moelskin, and an extra pair of socks to change at lunch time).
I had a rotten day at church today. The kids in primary can be so obnoxious. Our primary program is in two weeks, and since I won’t be here next Sunday, we didn’t have Sharing time today, just singing time. The kids groaned no matter what song I said we were about to sing. They wouldn’t follow direction, kept talking to their neighbors, and some just flat out wouldn’t sing. In Senior primary, when I mentioned I wouldn’t be here, the kids cheered. Thank goodness primary was over right after that, because as soon as the kids were out of the room, I seriously started crying.
Dallin won’t eat food. Well, he’ll eat junk food, candy, and cereal. He didn’t have lunch (it’s not unusual for him to skip a meal or two) or dinner, but only wanted milk to drink. I wouldn’t let him have any milk until he ate some food. He is one stubborn kid. He never did get any milk. I couldn’t even get him to take one measly bite of food. So no milk, no dessert… nothing! The kid worries the heck out of me with his constant refusal to eat. And he’s not the skinny kid in the family. How is he getting enough nutrition out of cereal and milk and tootsie rolls?? I don’t get it.
I stopped taking my medication for about 2 months. I think it was only 2 months. Anyway, things were not good, and Ches got me a refill. I’ve been taking it, and I think overall it has helped, but now I’m getting migraines a lot. I think Welbutrin is not right for me. I might have to go back to Zoloft, but I hate the way Zoloft makes me feel when I forget to take it even once. I get all dizzy and feel like I’m about to pass out at any second. So… off to the doctor I must go to discuss my options.
I think my job is great, but I also think it sucks. I am not a teacher of young kids. My degree is in secondary education, and I think if I’m going to teach, that is where I should be. As sweet as the kids are (most of the time), I’m just not enjoying it like I want. I am a firm believer in doing what makes you happy. If I’m going to leave my kids with someone else all day long, I’d better darn well LOVE what I’m doing, not just tolerate it. And then there’s the whole discipline thing: I think that most of the classes are fine. I can handle a little bit of extra noise. i mean, I’m not in a normal classroom, and these are all toddlers and preschoolers and young elementary school kids. I don’t expect them to be able to come into a large, muti-purpose room and stay on task 100% of the time. My methodology is to essentially ignore the little disruptions. If I ignore them, they go away. If they don’t go away, then I deal with it appropriately to the situation. I am so tired of having other people in the school tell me to always be right on top of these kids… to not even give them an inch… blah blah blah. Just let me handle my classes, thank you very much. If I have major issues, I will let you or the lead teacher (who is where I’d go to first, anyway) know and we will come up with a plan. But I just don’t think things are THAT BIG A DEAL, so stop instructing me EVERY DAY on how to teach and discipline my classes.
I’ve been having a real hard time just enjoying my life. It’s so easy to put on a fake smile and pretend that everything’s great, but I’m getting sick of faking it. I’m pretty sick of being so lonely. I go to the park with my kids for the playgroups and I try to talk to the other moms, but I just don’t feel all that comfortable. One day, after school, one kid had his skateboard at the park. This other kid, who is probably in 2nd grade, was riding on the other kid’s skateboard, on his knees, when he feel forward and hit his head on the cement. Of course he starts crying for his mom, but she isn’t there. Their house is literally across the street. So he immediately runs home. The other moms say he’s not the type of kid to take comfort from anyone else, but he ran home, so I’m not thinking it’s a big deal. Then one mom says very emphatically, “THIS is why you come to the park! You have to watch your kids!” The other moms all start agreeing and nodding their heads, and they are all talking around this one point, and all I’m thinking by now is “CUT THE APRON STRINGS!” The kid is old enough to be by himself at the park across the street! I let Aiden go to the park now all the time without me. I don’t let Dallin or Parker go, but Aiden, I feel, is old enough to be able to play without my constant supervision. The park is visible from my house, and Aiden has certain rules he knows and follows (like he is either at the park or at home… he doesn’t go to anyone else’s house, EVER, for anything), so I don’t really worry too much. You can not watch your kid 100% of the time, ladies! Let them learn to be responsible for themselves at some point! (The mom most vocal has kids both older and younger than the hurt boy) I’m also thinking that if this is how you are talking about someone who isn’t here, what are you saying about me, behind MY back! Sometimes I’m not there, at the park, when the bus comes in the afternoon. I would like Aiden to come home first, but most of the time he just stays at the park and plays (because all the other kids are staying and playing), and a couple of the moms mentioned that they have tried telling him to go home and check in with me and whatever. So I’m wondering what exactly are they saying to each other when I’m not there. If they are going to say stuff about the one mom and be SO rude about it, I can only assume you do it to me, too.
I’m sick of trying to make friends, but not succeeding. I just don’t feel a part of anything, no matter what functions or casual meet-ups I attend. I feel like an outsider. I miss my old ward and my old friends. I miss other places we’ve lived because I had such great wards and friends. I loved my callings, and I loved the friends I had and the plans that we made.
I miss autumn. It’s my favorite season. Arizona just doesn’t get an autumn. It goes from HOT hot hot hot hot summer, to summer, to a mild “winter” (which feels like summer to some of you, perhaps), to summer, and back to HOT hot hot hot hot summer. It was in the 70’s all last week and it was wonderful!! Aiden wore a jacket to school each morning (hey, it wasn’t in the 70’s yet that early in the morning) and the boys wore pants instead of shorts and I got cold enough to want hot chocolate at night. Not that I ever need it to be cold to drink hot chocolate. It’s just nicer. But I miss a real autumn, with a cool wind, changing leaves, wearing sweaters and scarves, and seeing my breath in the morning before school (I can do without scraping frost off the car windows in the morning, however).
So, now you know why I haven’t written in a while. When it rains, it pours. I have tons more I could complain about, but I need to go to bed and get some sleep before another “fun” day of work tomorrow. Oh, and I have to pray REAL hard that my back is better so i can function. I guess tomorrow I gotta try to see a chiropractor. I can’t let this be like when I hurt my back a couple months ago. It was a couple of weeks before I was back to normal. It sucked!!!!