WHY??? (A Complain-y Post. Be Ye Warned.)

My 3 Day Walk is almost here, and I’m NOT ready.  I still have to raise $450 (or it comes out of my pocket… guess who is giving up her next two paychecks????), my period started today (I haven’t had it since the beginning of September… I’m so unpredictable… it couldn’t wait ONE more week???  I won’t be done and comfortable by Friday!!), and this evening I wrenched my lower back (OH!  The pain!  I can’t move… I can’t stand up straight… ).

I still need to either borrow or buy an airmattress so I don’t have to sleep on the ground.  I still need some proper clothes to wear (I only have one actual pair of capris that I’ve been walking in, and I’m not wearing the same pair for 3 days in a row), and I need a new waist pack (mine is super small and only holds one water bottle, my cell phone, my driver’s license, and a small amount of cash and I need to hold 2 water bottles, my cell phone, body glide, chapstick, cash, ID, bandaids/moelskin, and an extra pair of socks to change at lunch time).  

I had a rotten day at church today.  The kids in primary can be so obnoxious.  Our primary program is in two weeks, and since I won’t be here next Sunday, we didn’t have Sharing time today, just singing time.  The kids groaned no matter what song I said we were about to sing.  They wouldn’t follow direction, kept talking to their neighbors, and some just flat out wouldn’t sing.  In Senior primary, when I mentioned I wouldn’t be here, the kids cheered.  Thank goodness primary was over right after that, because as soon as the kids were out of the room, I seriously started crying.

Dallin won’t eat food.  Well, he’ll eat junk food, candy, and cereal.  He didn’t have lunch (it’s not unusual for him to skip a meal or two) or dinner, but only wanted milk to drink.  I wouldn’t let him have any milk until he ate some food.  He is one stubborn kid.  He never did get any milk.  I couldn’t even get him to take one measly bite of food.  So no milk, no dessert… nothing!  The kid worries the heck out of me with his constant refusal to eat.  And he’s not the skinny kid in the family.  How is he getting enough nutrition out of cereal and milk and tootsie rolls??  I don’t get it.

I stopped taking my medication for about 2 months.  I think it was only 2 months.  Anyway, things were not good, and Ches got me a refill.  I’ve been taking it, and I think overall it has helped, but now I’m getting migraines a lot.  I think Welbutrin is not right for me.  I might have to go back to Zoloft, but I hate the way Zoloft makes me feel when I forget to take it even once.  I get all dizzy and feel like I’m about to pass out at any second.  So… off to the doctor I must go to discuss my options.

I think my job is great, but I also think it sucks.  I am not a teacher of young kids.  My degree is in secondary education, and I think if I’m going to teach, that is where I should be.  As sweet as the kids are (most of the time), I’m just not enjoying it like I want.  I am a firm believer in doing what makes you happy.  If I’m going to leave my kids with someone else all day long, I’d better darn well LOVE what I’m doing, not just tolerate it.  And then there’s the whole discipline thing:  I think that most of the classes are fine.  I can handle a little bit of extra noise.  i mean, I’m not in a normal classroom, and these are all toddlers and preschoolers and young elementary school kids.  I don’t expect them to be able to come into a large, muti-purpose room and stay on task 100% of the time.  My methodology is to essentially ignore the little disruptions.  If I ignore them, they go away.  If they don’t go away, then I deal with it appropriately to the situation.  I am so tired of having other people in the school tell me to always be right on top of these kids… to not even give them an inch… blah blah blah.  Just let me handle my classes, thank you very much.  If I have major issues, I will let you or the lead teacher (who is where I’d go to first, anyway) know and we will come up with a plan.  But I just don’t think things are THAT BIG A DEAL, so stop instructing me EVERY DAY on how to teach and discipline my classes.

I’ve been having a real hard time just enjoying my life.  It’s so easy to put on a fake smile and pretend that everything’s great, but I’m getting sick of faking it.  I’m pretty sick of being so lonely.  I go to the park with my kids for the playgroups and I try to talk to the other moms, but I just don’t feel all that comfortable.  One day, after school, one kid had his skateboard at the park.  This other kid, who is probably in 2nd grade, was riding on the other kid’s skateboard, on his knees, when he feel forward and hit his head on the cement.  Of course he starts crying for his mom, but she isn’t there.  Their house is literally across the street. So he immediately runs home.  The other moms say he’s not the type of kid to take comfort from anyone else, but he ran home, so I’m not thinking it’s a big deal.  Then one mom says very emphatically, “THIS is why you come to the park!  You have to watch your kids!”  The other moms all start agreeing and nodding their heads, and they are all talking around this one point, and all I’m thinking by now is “CUT THE APRON STRINGS!”  The kid is old enough to be by himself at the park across the street!  I let Aiden go to the park now all the time without me.  I don’t let Dallin or Parker go, but Aiden, I feel, is old enough to be able to play without my constant supervision.  The park is visible from my house, and Aiden has certain rules he knows and follows (like he is either at the park or at home… he doesn’t go to anyone else’s house, EVER, for anything), so I don’t really worry too much.  You can not watch your kid 100% of the time, ladies!  Let them learn to be responsible for themselves at some point!  (The mom most vocal has kids both older and younger than the hurt boy)  I’m also thinking that if this is how you are talking about someone who isn’t here, what are you saying about me, behind MY back!  Sometimes I’m not there, at the park, when the bus comes in the afternoon.  I would like Aiden to come home first, but most of the time he just stays at the park and plays (because all the other kids are staying and playing), and a couple of the moms mentioned that they have tried telling him to go home and check in with me and whatever.  So I’m wondering what exactly are they saying to each other when I’m not there.  If they are going to say stuff about the one mom and be SO rude about it, I can only assume you do it to me, too.

I’m sick of trying to make friends, but not succeeding.  I just don’t feel a part of anything, no matter what functions or casual meet-ups I attend.  I feel like an outsider.  I miss my old ward and my old friends.  I miss other places we’ve lived because I had such great wards and friends.  I loved my callings, and I loved the friends I had and the plans that we made.

I miss autumn.  It’s my favorite season.  Arizona just doesn’t get an autumn.  It goes from HOT hot hot hot hot summer, to summer, to a mild “winter” (which feels like summer to some of you, perhaps), to summer, and back to HOT hot hot hot hot summer.  It was in the 70’s all last week and it was wonderful!!  Aiden wore a jacket to school each morning (hey, it wasn’t in the 70’s yet that early in the morning) and the boys wore pants instead of shorts and I got cold enough to want hot chocolate at night.  Not that I ever need it to be cold to drink hot chocolate.  It’s just nicer.  But I miss a real autumn, with a cool wind, changing leaves, wearing sweaters and scarves, and seeing my breath in the morning before school (I can do without scraping frost off the car windows in the morning, however).

So, now you know why I haven’t written in a while.  When it rains, it pours.  I have tons more I could complain about, but I need to go to bed and get some sleep before another “fun” day of work tomorrow.  Oh, and I have to pray REAL hard that my back is better so i can function.  I guess tomorrow I gotta try to see a chiropractor.  I can’t let this be like when I hurt my back a couple months ago.  It was a couple of weeks before I was back to normal.  It sucked!!!!

13 responses to “WHY??? (A Complain-y Post. Be Ye Warned.)

  1. Sending hugs!
    There’s nothing I can say or do to change all the things that are stressing you out right now, but please know that we are here for you, and we love you! So sorry you’re having such a hard time right now!

  2. I’m so sorry your back is so hurt! I know that sucks. I hope it gets better quickly. I know what you mean about missing Autumn, I miss it too. Luckily for me it is a *little* cooler here than it is for you there. But it’s still not what I really want.

    I can’t believe those other moms at the park. Seriously, they don’t think a 2nd grader should be at the park across the street from his house by himself? Geez. They’re kids must all be big “Mama’s boys (or girls)”. How annoying. I wish we lived closer to you so that we could hang out. I miss my big sister.

    Jago doesn’t eat either, except milk and any junk food I let him. Last night he wouldn’t even eat macaroni and cheese. He LOVES macaroni and cheese, but all he wanted was one of his suckers from Halloween. Since he wouldn’t eat his dinner, naturally he didn’t get the sucker. He ended up going to bed early, crying, because he wanted the sucker so badly. Then, at about 1:30 in the morning he woke up crying, LOUDLY, about his stupid sucker that he wanted.GAH. Jago is really skinny now because he won’t eat. I don’t know where his energy comes from, as he’s been doing this for about a year now. Every once in a while he eats really well, so I figure I put his food in front of him and if he doesn’t want what I made, well, that’s too bad, that’s what he gets till the next meal, and if he’s hungry enough he’ll eat it.

    Ok, I’ll end now, I don’t mean to hijack your blog. I just want you to know, I LOVE YOU!

  3. Ooooh! Hope you’re back gets better quick!

    Tootsie rolls must have something good in them. Hmmm…..there’s sugar, and it comes from a plant. It must therefore be from, the grain family? Fruit has naturally occuring sugars in it. Sugar is good. Tootsie rolls must also have cocoa in them. Cocoa comes from a bean pod. Let’s call that one a vegetable (even if it is a fruit). Sounds healthy to me!

  4. Oh Sariah, I’m so sorry! Like Heather said, I know there’s nothing I can say or do to fix any of those problems. I’d donate more to your 3day walk if I could afford to!

    Ragan hasn’t been eating the past couple of weeks either. She’s been cutting molars, then she had a stomach bug, and was still cutting molars. She would eat crackers and drink water and milk. Shane said “I guess this is why they have baby fat. To burn those calories during the lean times.” Don’t worry about Dallin too much, he’ll eat when he wants to. Just try to make sure that when he does it’s packed full of “good” calories.

    I’m sorry you’re having a hard time with this new ward. I’ve been sitting here thinking about what those mom’s were saying and wondering if while listening to it if I would have been the silent one like you or if I would have been saying stuff like they were. It’s a tricky situation. I let Will play in the front yard but he’s not allowed to go to the vacant lot at the end of our street. I can’t see (or hear) him there. I guess it really depends on the situation and the child.

    What you were saying about your job is correct. If you’re going to leave your kids all day it should at least be something you enjoy. There’s a reason I didn’t go into teaching. I get too frustrated. There’s a reason you chose secondary education. I don’t know if it would be worth it to finish the school year and look for something else? Or finish the semester? Those other teachers would be annoying. They should let you do what you feel comfortable with.

    I wish there was something I could do to help. If there is, please let me know. I’m here for you. Love you, sending hugs and wishes for things to improve.

  5. I’m sorry that you’re having a tough time Sariah and I wish that there was something I could do to help you out. I would donate to your walk if I wasn’t unemployed. There are so many different options as to what medications you can be on, so talk to your doctor and explain your concerns, there’s gotta be something that will work well for you. If I could send some of our autumn to you, I would! I’ll be praying that things improve soon!

  6. Oh NO! I’m sorry your life is like that right now. It will pass though. {Hugs}
    I’m wondering at the logic of denying a kid milk. The way I see it, milk is protein. If the kid wants to fill up on milk…well, it’s better than empty calories like Kool-Aid, right? Also, if there’s no power struggle, you get to be less stressed. And removing some stress from the equation tends to have positive effects in other areas too. Just my two cents.

  7. I think not eating is just a kid thing, Chloe does the same thing but yet has all the energy in the world it makes me tired just to watch her sometimes. I remember my mom telling me she would take us to the doctor when we wouldn’t eat cause she thought we’d die or something I don’t know but the doctor finally said they will eat when they’re hungry don’t worry about it. so that’s what I just think now with chole and eventually she does, she will eat the whole house sometimes. (one time she ate 5 peices of craigo’s pizza).

    those mom’s at the park are just jealous that you and the other mom get to stay home with one less kid…if they’re old enough and responsible enough they’re fine to play by themselves! Chloe goes to the park by herself all the time (but yes we are in Idaho, what can happen, but still she’s only 3) but I can see her from 3 different windows and the front door, it’s really close.

    Hope you get feeling better soon. call me sometime we haven’t talked in forever!!

  8. As you know…I agree with Inge [Tanya’s Mom]. When my very skinny 2-3 year old sister would not eat, she also would not drink–she was so stubborn she wouldn’t take anything in! The Dr. said, “When she gets hungry, she’ll eat.” She did. When Vinnie got anemia, the Dr said to cut out the milk–he needed to eat more. So we did, and he did, and I don’t think he’s been anemic since. Dallin is active and healthy. Give him his meals. [ I also suggest that every child be there for blessing the food.] If he refuses to eat, let him ask to be excused–let him come back if the whole family is still at the table, but one the meal is done–it’s done. He’ll get another chance at the next meal. That’s what I did with you kids. I also insisted by about age 5 or 6 that you try everything new, just 3 bites and look how unfussy it made all of you. [OK, so I was less stringent with the younger kids–but Dad was not on my side–so they got mixed messages!.]

    What is the date for the walk? I keep forgetting. Perhaps I can get for you some equipment you need?

    As for school. If the teachers don’t like how you are disciplining, let them know that any child who acts out will be sent back to the classroom teacher as you simply cannot have that in such a large room in music class. You will be amazed after doing it once or twice how they will leave you alone. [They want that time without students!] They will also ride the students to let them know that music class is a privilage not to be abused!

    Drugs–try Prozac, it works well for me, which gives it a higher chance of working well for you. Generic: fluoxitine. Ask your Dr about it.

    Primary–at least the program will soon be over! In my experience, it is not generally loved by the kids!

  9. I’m sorry you’re having a bummer time. I wish there was something I could say that would instantly make everything better…ummmm…my autumn is full of rain, so I’d take your sunshine! Wanna trade?

    I hope you can start feeling better again soon. One day at a time…

  10. sorry another comment from me…but I have been taking this love and logic class, and the the other day the topic was about getting kids to eat their meals, they say don’t force them, they’ll only push harder against you. use statements like ” I give treats/snacks to kids who eat dinner.” (or an extra book at bedtime or something) and if they still dont’ eat, then you don’t give in to them whining when they don’t get to have a snack or dessert or book or whatever. you say as they are whining for it something like “I know thats so sad that you don’t get it huh? I’m so sorry”and then walk away from them when they keep up the whining you just go brain dead…don’t answer to them or anything, they say eventually they’ll just give up. I actually tried this with lunch today, I said “I take kids to the park if they eat all their lunch” and she did. I was great. I don’t now if you’ve tried that or not but I thought I might suggest it. It’s a really great class I love it, they have a website and you can get a free catalog with more suggestions. loveandlogic.com

  11. Dang girl…not good times. But hey i’m with you…everything you said sucks. The meds, the walk stuff, the back the kid issues, the mom issues, the weather, the primary issues AND the work issues. I have empathy for you on all counts.

    Isn’t it nice to have a blog to vent to? I will pray for you. Hang in there. Life sucks sometimes, but not all the time. 🙂

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