Down Came The Rain

I think I am losing my freakin’ mind.  Seriously.  Stupid, lazy person that I am, I forgot to call my doctor’s office yesterday to have a new prescription written for my anti-depressants.  So now it’s the weekend and I don’t know that the office will be open on Monday because of Veteran’s Day (although I still have to take Parker in to his doctor for another round of shots on Monday.  Oh, fun.).

I find myself screaming in my head.  Just screaming and screaming and grasping at nothing and gasping for air.

I find myself concentrating on not yelling at my kids.  Seriously willing myself “talk nicely to the boys!  They are just boys!”, but it’s not really working.  One little annoying thing and I scream out “STOP DOING THAT BEFORE I STAB MYSELF IN THE EYE!!!”  Then my kids all look at me with the tiniest bit of fear in their eyes and a lot of defiance.  I can see them thinking, “Mom’s losing it again.  I wonder what time Dad gets home.  He’s so much more calm.  I’ll just ignore Mom until she breaks down crying.”

When I do break down crying, all the boys pat me on the back and say, “I love you, Mom.  Are you okay?  I’ll be better Mom.  It’s okay.  We love you, Mom.”

I manage to stop crying, but I’m still sobbing in my head because my kids have to have a mother who loves her kids more than life itself, but will snap in a heartbeat and feels like the World’s Worst Mother.

Thank goodness marching band season is officially over.  We need at least one calm, rational adult in this house.

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6 responses to “Down Came The Rain

  1. if you go to an actual hospital, probably one in phoenix, and show them your prescription and explain your doctors’ office is closed, they’ll give you a 3 day supply (often free) and strict orders to not forget to refill it again.

    (note: urgent care places, like patients first, will NOT give out these presciptions. only legit hospitals.)

  2. I hope you are feeling better soon. Don’t beat yourself up over everything. You wouldn’t expect someone with a broken ankle to do well running a marathon, and you shouldn’t expect yourself to be 100% rational without your meds. It really is the same. You know that when everything is in balance you really are a terrific mother. I’m not saying that just to stroke your ego, I really do think you are a fantastic mother. I hope you can get a refill of meds soon, but until then, don’t beat yourself up over running slow on a broken ankle.

  3. I echo the sentiments of those before me. You are a terrific mother, we all have struggles and weaknesses. I can’t count the times when I feel like a failure and the worst mother, and I don’t have the same struggles as you. Hang in there and I hope you can get your refill soon. Until then remember that Heavenly Father chose you to be the Mom of your boys because your are the absolute best for them – no one else could do better. Sending hugs and prayers.

  4. Sariah, you are a great Mom. But you also need meds. Remind you of a mother you had? I’m so sorry for the bad example you had to grow up with. Fortunately, a med is available that helps my brain damage now. Don’t beat yourself up over it–doesn’t help. Try to grab the small sane moments and the kids will forgive the insane times. Erica is right on how to get some meds over the weekend. Also your regular pharmacist will probably do the same thing. I have had to do that on more than one occasion.

    Remember, not only do you love your boys, but they do know it, and they love you as well. You will make it. Remember Fri night clean-ups? Everyone pitched in and cleaned our tiny house in Hemet, then we went for Hamburgers [25 cents each–how could we lose?] Sats we took off to “play”. There was organized play during soccer season, but there were “field trips–all those Missions [free!] and Lake Hemet, drives to Mt Palomar, Old Town San Diego, the beach. hikes, bike rides, etc. 1] the activity helped my sanity 2] the excursions were good for you kids 3] we built good memories rather than lousy ones of Mom coming unglued on a constant basis. That was the only way I could keep the house clean for Sunday, was to stay out of it on Sat! [which helped my sanity a lot.] I love you [though I’m sure there were times you’ve wondered!]

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