I think I am losing my freakin’ mind. Seriously. Stupid, lazy person that I am, I forgot to call my doctor’s office yesterday to have a new prescription written for my anti-depressants. So now it’s the weekend and I don’t know that the office will be open on Monday because of Veteran’s Day (although I still have to take Parker in to his doctor for another round of shots on Monday. Oh, fun.).
I find myself screaming in my head. Just screaming and screaming and grasping at nothing and gasping for air.
I find myself concentrating on not yelling at my kids. Seriously willing myself “talk nicely to the boys! They are just boys!”, but it’s not really working. One little annoying thing and I scream out “STOP DOING THAT BEFORE I STAB MYSELF IN THE EYE!!!” Then my kids all look at me with the tiniest bit of fear in their eyes and a lot of defiance. I can see them thinking, “Mom’s losing it again. I wonder what time Dad gets home. He’s so much more calm. I’ll just ignore Mom until she breaks down crying.”
When I do break down crying, all the boys pat me on the back and say, “I love you, Mom. Are you okay? I’ll be better Mom. It’s okay. We love you, Mom.”
I manage to stop crying, but I’m still sobbing in my head because my kids have to have a mother who loves her kids more than life itself, but will snap in a heartbeat and feels like the World’s Worst Mother.
Thank goodness marching band season is officially over. We need at least one calm, rational adult in this house.