I Just Can’t Help!!!

So I mentioned to you all that there is a girl who is quite needy and wants to be my friend, but I don’t want to be her friend because she’s really kind of wierd (and not the fun, good kind of wierd) and I just can’t deal with her problems in addition to my own, right?  Well, there is another girl I know from church that I’m having almost the same dilemna with.  I am actually her visiting teacher, so I really can’t just not talk to her and not deal with her.  It’s my job to help her out and be her friend.  She just has so many issues going on right now, though, that I don’t know how much more I can take.

Her husband was just laid off his job (his second lay off in a few months).  She is working at Wal-Mart.  They have no cars.  They have 4 children.  Their youngest, who is maybe 9 months now, has several medical problems and often has doctor’s appointments in Phoenix at the Children’s Hospital.  The mom consistantly calls less than an hour before the appointment to ask for a ride.  Her husband actually just called me, but I have to pick Aiden up from school at the SAME time as the appointment.  AND I have two other children, so how am I supposed to fit my three kids plus her, the baby, and her husband in the van?  Actually, I can fit them, but it’s tight.  And then I have to sit and wait or drive back out to Phoenix to pick them up??

Let’s see.  What else?  They can’t afford to pay their rent, so the Church has to pay it for them all the stinkin’ time.  They are constantly getting food orders through the Church.  And yet they have had a big, flat-screen TV.  They moved into a house and decided it was a good idea to get three puppies (they already had a cat and a dog).  His brother lives with them, and the brother’s girlfriend and her son was there (and babysitting the kids during the day), but she took off at the beginning of the month, so now this girl can’t work at Wal-Mart because she has no childcare.  Oh, and I ran into her at the elementary’s curriculum night, and she told me that she’s really unhappy and she and her husband have almost split up.  They still might.

I visit with her, I listen to her, I have made her meals, I have given her rides, I hold the baby, I try to help look for jobs and vehicles and toys… But I just can’t do it anymore.  I have my own issues right now!  Ches and I are just trying to get our own little family to survive.  How can I truely help this girl when we can’t do what we need to do for ourselves?

I know that I should have a better attitude and be grateful for the service I am able to provide for her.  I know that I can get lots of blessings from serving others, but if my heart isn’t in it, well, do I still get those blessings?  I don’t think I deserve them!  I like doing my visiting teaching… but pretty much to the women who are similar to me in personality, goals, and activities.  I feel like a huge hypocrite, but this is my attitude.  I need to change my perspective, I’m sure.  She is still a daughter of God and deserves happiness, but geez!  Get your life in order, girl!  I’m tired of doing all the work for you!  I have my own trials to sort out!  I just can’t help anymore!!!


8 responses to “I Just Can’t Help!!!

  1. Sariah,

    You are trying to do too much for her! Seriously. It sounds like it is time to talk to the Relief Society President. Your job is to be this girl’s friend, help her with an occasional problem (rides etc), but you are not her babysitter! You should not be asked to do this much.

    The church welfare system is out there for a reason, but it sounds to me like they are abusing the system a bit. It is time to bring your concerns to the RS President.

    Your first responsibility is to your family. You should never EVER feel guilty for saying no to someone who is keeping you from your duties as a wife and mother.

  2. I totally agree with aprilmommy! There is a point where you have done enough and her ‘needs’ need to be addressed by the RS Pres. I totally admire you for doing all that you have done so far! Just keep being nice to her, but if she is just loading you down with too much, maybe you just have to tell her to stop! (In a nice way of course:)) You are awesome Riah! I would love to have you for a VT!! 😀

  3. DITTO.
    You are doing a lot and she should be grateful for you. I know that sometimes it’s hard to get out of your own problems but that’s exactly what she needs to do. That is her problem, it is not yours.

  4. DITTO DITTO. Sariah, that is not what the visiting teaching program is for. Your family is to be first priority. If this family is in so much need, I would let the Relief Society President know AND the Bishop, this is something THEY need to start ealing with. Talk to the SP straight, that you can’t do it anymore. Ask to have her removed from your route and then feel good that you did all you could! I have been in a VERY similar situation with an investigator. You are so wonderful to do all you did!


  5. That is dealing not “ealing” and RSP (relief society pres) no “SP” sorry…I am still sick and my brain is working faster than my fingers can go. *wink*

  6. Once Upon a Time…we lived at Chanute Air Force Base and almost the whole ward was military, and that meant that essentially we had very few and far between problems such as you describe. But one month, my companion and I were assigned a “civilian” sister to VT. The circumstances were quite similar.

    I was thrilled when the lice and body lice [I forget their other name] didn’t transfer to any of our household or any of the other kids in our house that week I kept her kids!

    We arranged for the loan of a car for her to have transportation to work.

  7. [Oops– didn’t mean to put that up yet!]

    We helped the nonmember [and unfriendly to us]husband get into a literacy program so that he would be able to get his job back.

    We helped and helped that family until a wise bishop said to STOP! There comes a time, he said, when a person or a family needs to put forth some effort of their own. And we could not force them to better their situation–which by their own choices they continually made worse.

    So we backed off. It was hard–something like disengaging from an octopus with its multiple sticky suction cups all over its tenacles. But finally we were untangled.

    Interestingly, we received other totally different assignments and greater opportunities to serve, in which we could give effective service and satifying to all involved.

    Moral: You are her visiting teachers–not her rug, not her servants or slaves. Perhaps you need to ask for a switch.

    Oh, and I have learned how to enjoy VTing sisters with whom it seems I have nothing in common–usually upon further aquaintance we find something! But I am now in a ward which has more diversity that I’ve ever seen–and it works. The age differences are more joked about than anything else, color and race differences? We have whites of all shades, ditto blacks, Latino, Indonesion, Laotian, Japanese.
    We have city dwellers, and those who live way out in the country. [and everything inbetween.] We have some who are very well off, and others who are barely scraping by. But we have a smoothly running and cohesive ward because a real effort is made so that everyone’s needs are met without anyone getting sucked dry.

  8. I agree with everyone! I had a lady like that last year. She was an investigator that lived in the same apartment complex as us so I wasn’t her VT, but I was the one kind of expected to help her out like a VT. She really sucked me dry. I finally decided that she was only investigating the church because she wanted church welfare and not the Gospel so I talked to the missionaries (they had the same hunch). They stopped visiting her and I stopped answering her phone calls. I haven’t heard from her since we moved. I assume she found someone new to suck dry.

    Some people are just like that. I’d say ask for a change. Your family comes first. These people need to get their lives together.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s