F is for FAILURE

Warning:  This is a complainy post.  I’m not in a good mood.  If you want to be uplifted, please read my previous two posts and come back another day.  This is not an uplifting post day. 

We had our last winterguard rehearsal.  The kids wanted to meet early because one had to leave for a church activity.  The others were all going to invite family and friends to watch them perform.  Our first, last, and only actual performance was supposed to be on Friday, but were informed that this particular assembly wouldn’t have any student performers this year (as what had normally been done in the past).  So this performance for our families was going to be it.

I showed up to rehearsal and there was already a lot of drama going on between the kids.  Because of the cancellation of our Friday performance.  There were tears and foul language.  I sat the kids down and said “This is what’s going on” and then we tried to come up with what we were going to do instead. 

I looked around and realized that most of the kids were wearing jeans.  Jeans are NOT rehearsal clothes.  Shorts, dance pants, sweats, workout clothes… those are rehearsal clothes.  They know this.  Because we had rehearsal early, the kids “forgot” their dance clothes.  I was furious.  I had to send them home to change.  One girl said, “But I’m wearing stretchy jeans!  See??”  Uhhh, no.  I don’t care.  Jeans are jeans.  We talked about this starting Day One of rehearsals.

A couple kids stayed to learn stuff they had missed to get ready for the family performance, which by popular vote had been moved up from 8 pm to 6:30 pm.  At 6 I had to run home and get my family, frost the cupcakes, change my clothes into something respectable, feed the baby, and get back in time to rehearse the kids.  Yeah.  That so didn’t happen.

The family performance sucked.  I mean it really, really sucked.  The kids forgot half the choreography that we had spent so much time on Monday night.  They couldn’t remember all of their drill.  The CD skipped a couple of times towards the end, thereby cutting out probably a good 40 to 56 counts.  They wanted to try again, so we hooked up one kid’s mp3 player to the stereo to play the song.  Wierd things happened.  The sound would get really loud and fuzzy, then go back to normal.  That happened several times.  Again, the kids didn’t do all of the cool choreography (we had this awesome ripple towards the end!!).  But at least this time we didn’t skip any of it.

Everyone promised they would bring treats to share (like cookies and stuff) and we’d have a grand ol’ time.  Or so I thought.  One girl brought pizzas and her sister bought french bread and spinach dip (but no one thought to get out the bread and dip, so we didn’t have that) and I brought my cupcakes.  Suck.

A couple weeks ago our floor got folded up really badly, and since we didn’t get it finished with the painting, we didn’t worry about it much.  It’s really heavy and hard to fold, so I was waiting for a time when we were all together to get it folded properly, and I thought after our family performance would be the perfect time.  One girl (who has the most drama… another kid describes her as the most emo kid he’s ever met) was about to leave, so I asked her if she would be able to stay and help fold the floor.  She looked at me and whined, “But I haven’t been home all day!!”  I just about lost it.  I just looked at her and said, “Fine, whatever.  Go home.  I’m not forcing you to do anything.”  She stayed and helped anyway.

I feel like the whole season turned into one big failure.  I feel like no matter what I tried, things just wouldn’t go right.  I came home to the messiest house in the whole world.  I can’t get it clean.  My kids are so active and were running around the gym, screaming and playing as I’m trying to introduce myself to the parents and tell them a little about what we were doing.  It just feels like everything — not just winterguard, either — has failed.  I am the biggest failure ever. 

I’m scared of Child Protective Services coming to take my kids away because while I was in the back of the house, feeding the baby, the older two kids got out of the house and ran down the street and had to be brought home by a stranger.  My kids and I were all in our pajamas, even though it was 11 am.  I never heard the door open.  Aiden proudly announced, “We had an adventure and we were lost, Mom!”

I’m scared the school district is going to call me and say “You didn’t take your kids to any competitions, you didn’t perform in any shows, and your show sucked rocks, so we’d like the money we paid you back, please.”

I’m scared that I’m never going to get these bills paid from Parker’s birth and I’ll end up having to declare bankruptcy.

I’m scared that parents are going to complain that their kids didn’t do enough in winterguard and I suck and don’t hire Sariah back in the fall.

I have failed at everything I’ve tried to do lately.  I need some successes pretty soon here.  And don’t tell me “Hey, you are a success at failing!  Good job!” because I might just have to kick you in the head for that one.

5 responses to “F is for FAILURE

  1. You know that I love you no matter how the Winter Guard does, or how clean your house is, or how many times the kids get out! When we lived in IL, I was sure that social services were going to get called on us because Abi wanted to run away and we let her (watching her from the porch). But a neighbor from down the street, that we didn’t know, brought her back as she told him how horrible her mother was.

    Luckily, I think that most people understand! Don’t get too worked up about everything. Just try to chip away day by day on everything that you ‘think’ you have failed at. I bet it isn’t really as bad as it seems right now. You just need a new/different perspective!

    Love you!

    Lo, you always know just what to say. Thank you! I was just feeling so bad last night and had to get it out. Today is a new day, and I have a lot to do. But I’m going to succeed. 😀

  2. It soungs like you need some Jimmy Eat World music.

    The Middle

    Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
    It’s only in your head you feel left out
    Or looked down on
    Just try your best, try everything you can
    And don’t you worry what they tell themselves
    When you’re away.

    It just takes some time, little girl in the middle of the ride
    Everything, everything will be just fine Everything, everything will be alright (alright)

    Hey, you know they’re all the same
    You know you’re doing better on your own
    So don’t buy in.
    Live right now
    Yeah, just be yourself.
    It doesn’t matter if it’s good enough
    For someone else

    It just takes some time, little girl you’re in the middle of the ride
    Everthing, everything will be just fine Everything, everything will be alright (alright)

    Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
    It’s only in your head you feel left out
    Or looked down on
    Just do your best, do everything you can.
    And don’t you worry what the bitter hearts, are gonna say

    It just takes some time, little girl you’re in the middle of the ride
    Everything, everything will be just fine Everything, everything will be alright (alright).

    hahaha I TOTALLY heard you singing along 😉

    Everything will be fine! Hang in there! ***HUGS!!!***

    I *totally* needed this song! Thank you! (And yes, I was singing. Aiden was giving me a funny look, and Dallin sang, too.)

  3. You know sometimes we all just suck and fail at everything. I have felt that feelign so many times – and when nothing will go right I just want to through in the towel and become an ostrich. Then someone (usually my hubby) will remind me that no matter how bad I feel like I am failing I am never a failure in Heavenly Father’s eyes. Things will be fine, and you will make it through any trials that may come with the strength of the Lord.

    You’re awesome Sariah, hang in there. We all love you! 🙂 HUGS!

  4. I just don’t understand how you can express, let alone have such feelings! After all, you had such a paragon for a mother who simply never had to yell at her kids, or spank them or send them [or forcibly put them] into their rooms, or hide toys away because they weren’t picked up, or tell her children they didn’t exist after 7pm because I had to have some time to clean up and to do homework–or just have a quiet house to think in. No, I never did any of those things. And I never had my parents or brother step in and discipline any of my sons [just ask Vinnie] because I couldn’t always handle him.

    I never said any of these things out loud: I’m such a failure, I’m a terrible mother, I can’t handle life, I wish I’d just gone ahead and died when I was 19 like I should have. Nope. My children never had such a bad example.

    Give yourself a break. You are a lovely young woman with three active boys. Are you perfect? No. Are they? No. But then, I don’t notice hords of other people being translated right and left either. You’ll get by.

    Making plans to see you soon! I love you. And those active boys, too.

  5. The problem with working with a performance group is that they are not always going to work out. I cancelled the Senior play in San Jacinto [your 3rd grade year?] because of lack of commitment. It was unfortunate because I would never have chosen that particular script–they needed a small cast show, but the principal [same guy who changed grades of athletes] chose a large cast show. It didn’t work. My last year teaching, I had a Reader’s Theatre Troupe. We had plans to perform that never worked out because I could never count on having all the kids at rehearsal–one or two would be absent, another couple not bother to stay after school, and at least a couple in after school detention…Yuk! Sometimes no matter how hard you work, it just does not pull together. Doesn’t mean it won’t your next time out!

    [Screaming into pillows helps muffle the sound from kids and neighbors.]

    **Remember I was investigated by CPS twice in IL,[once as a nasty eighbor “retaliated” the other was a case of mistaken identity]and almost a 3rd time because someone saw me pull on Lura’s coat hood trying to keep her next to me and shouting “subito” and thought I was screaming an expletive. The witness did not know she was virtually deaf. Fortunately the on-base shrink, whom I was alredy seeing, caught that report and pulled it.] at you kids and avoided it in AR by having M.O’ pull the record.**

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