Speaking in Church… The Horror!!

I have been asked to speak in church in two weeks.  I haven’t had to speak in church since, well, since we lived in Idaho.  It’s been a while.

 I actually enjoy speaking in church.  Sure, I get nervous.  Sure, I never feel quite prepared.  Sure, I wish my voice didn’t sound so wierd in the mic (I don’t think my voice sounds nearly as low and tired as it does when I hear it on a recording or through a mic).  However, I love researching the topic and praying for guidance in what to say and the opportunity to get up in front of a large crowd and make a fool of myself.

It’s been known to happen.

When we first moved to Preston, we were asked to speak on music.  First, Dr. B. (who used to be the Bishop of the ward but was now the Sacrament Meeting chorister) spoke and basically introduced us since we were new in town, then I got to play my flute, then I spoke, then Ches spoke.  Dr. B.’s talk wsa very short.  I mostly remember him saying that in this small town, there were lots of teachers, lots of doctors, lots of lawyers, but there was only one band teacher.  He made it known that he thought Ches’ job was one of the most important, if not the most important there is in town.  Talk about humbling!

Well, I played my piece, then had to immefiately speak.  I had never done that before.  usually I am asked to either play or to speak, not both.  As many of you who have played a special musical number in church may have noticed, it seems that whatever speaker follows the musical number often says something to the effect of, “That was so beautiful.  Thank you for that.  It was just so wonderful.”  So, since I was speaking, but felt that I needed a breath first, I proceeded to thank myself for playing.  I wanted a little laugh, and I got it.  It was a spur of the moment thing, and I can’t believe I did that.  That won’t happen this time (since I won’t be playing my lute, too!), so I can just get on with my talk.

When I was going to Ricks, my roommate, Jolene, and I came home one day to find a message saying the Bishop had called looking for both of us.  We kidded a lot about what kind of trouble we could be in (“Oh no!  Did he find out about our prank calling the dean of admissions??  Hahahahahaha!), and once we got a hold of him, Bishop Marriot asked us to speak in church. 

Another girl spoke first, then it was my turn.  I’m sure I made some little embarrassing cracks in there, as I usually do because I find that when I’m nervous I try to get people to laugh at me.  However, I don’t remember much about my own talk because Jolene followed me.  To introduce herself, she mentioned we had been a little worried about why Bishop called.  She then dead panned, “Yeah, we were worried it had something to do with our streaking incident.”

 There were some chuckles, and she went immediately into her talk, forgetting to say, “Just kidding!”  None of us in our apartment though anything of it, since Jolene was always comeing up with these hilarious one-liners, and we laughed later in the meeting as the Bishop joked that perhaps he needed to call the two of us into his office.

Our downstairs neighbors didn’t find a bit of it amusing.  Those six girls really thought Jolene was serious!  They confronted the two of us, and that’s when we found out that about a week earlier, a couple of people had actually gone streaking past their front window (the living room windows in these apartments were very large… almost completely floor to ceiling).  Because they had actually be streaked, they thought Jolene was telling the truth and that she and I were the ones who had done it!  I think we just stood there for a minute or two with our jaws on the floor.  It was a joke!  And even if it wasn’t, why would we joke about it in Sacrament Meeting??  Whatever.

 I have a friend who once gave a talk and used the words crap and sucks several times.  She was so embarassed.  I don’t think it was that big of a deal.  For one thing, it was a student ward, so it’s not like she was being a bad example to any little children.  For another, it was just funny.  To me.

So yes, we’ve all been known to say some crazy things while trying to be spiritual.  We’ll see what happens to me in 2 weeks (which may actually be pushed back an extra week because I’m supposed to go see ABQ that weekend.  Woot!!).

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4 responses to “Speaking in Church… The Horror!!

  1. The last time I spoke was 4 years ago when we moved into the ward we’re in now. Shane and I were both asked to speak. I spoke first gave a lengthy intro and then began my talk. When I was done there was only 5 minutes left for Sacrament Meeting and Shane didn’t end up having to speak. Afterwards the bishop took me aside and said “well we’ve found someone to speak for Stake Conference if we ever need”. I was so embarrassed I took all the time!

  2. The joke I always do when I speak at a new ward for the first time is I go up and say, “I was so nervous this morning that I totally forgot to bring my scriptures. So the Bishop is letting me use his scriptures today.” I then pick up my scriptures that I’ve piled a heap of chalk dust on and with pretend puzzlement say, “huh? What’s this?” and then I blow off the heap of chalk dust into the audience so that it looks like the Bishops scriptures are all dusty 🙂 It gets a good laugh every time!!!

    In our current ward we were here for a couple months before being asked to talk and we’d become friends with the 1st counselor so when Nathan spoke he took the dust joke and said that it was the 1st counselors scriptures. I spoke the next week and said that I’d also forgotten my scriptures so I’m borrowing the 1st counselors. Then I said that I wanted to start my talk off by reading my favorite quote in Alma. So I open the scripture case and, pretending to be puzzled, I pulled a big bag of Doritos out and handed it back to the 1st counselor. When the laughter subsided a little I said, “I guess that quote by Alma is going to have to wait!”

    It was really funny 🙂

    The next week the 1st counselor had to speak and he said that he thought it was best to leave his scriptures home so he’s borrowing the bishop’s scriptures! And every now and then someone giving a talk with make a scripture joke 🙂 Ahhh, we’ve left a legacy hahaha

  3. I totally remember both your talk commenting on your playing and Jolene’s talk. They were great. I’m not nearly that funny when I give a talk. Oh well, we can’t all get laughs. (I think you should look at it that way, btw, that you’re GOING for the laughs. Then it’s not just you making a fool of yourself.)

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