Here are some important things I have learned since becoming a mother:
1. A timer is everything. I should carry one in my diaper bag.
2. If you call it a reward rather than a bribe, then you are a good mommy.
3. Sometimes you have to talk to the toy to get answers from the 4 year old.
4. When going to the zoo, don’t expect your child to be fascinated by all the “cool” animals (ie, lions, zebras, polar bears, monkeys, etc). Instead, be prepared to comment that yes, those ants crawling in the dirt really are special.
5. No matter how cool the toy is you bought for a birthday present, your child will still be happiest playing with the box, your makeup brushes, and a piece of tinfoil.
6. You really do turn into your mother because you have found yourself using phrases like, “Because I said so!” and “Look with your eyes, not your hands!!”
7. Your husband must really love you if he is still attracted to your saggy, stretched out, flabby, scarred body.
8. A child’s sense of humor is amazing. I find myself laughing all the time.
9. Mealtimes are major affairs, not to be handled with delicacy. Going out requires research, a bag of stuff to do while waiting for the food, extra clothes (especially if you’re planning on going somewhere after dinner), and plenty of cash for a good tip for the understanding server.
10. Mothers really do have super powers. They call it “intuition”. I don’t know what it really is, but I can tell exactly what my baby needs, can feel the emotions of a toddler as they feel them, and can move with super-human speed at the playground when it looks like someone is going to fall backwards.
11. I am tired, can’t think straight, feel like the ugliest, fattest person ever, and just wish for a day of complete silence with the chance to do nothing but indulge myself, but I couldn’t give up my children for anything in the world. Even in that wishfulfilled day, I would miss my kids after just five minutes. Okay, maybe more like 10.