And I wonder where it’s coming from when I get an email from Aiden’s teacher saying, “Have you thought about having Aiden tested for ADHD? He can’t focus and is easily distracted…”

*****

My birthday is in two days and there is a serious lack of chocolate boxes coming in the mail. I’m disappointed.

*****

This year, during our winter break, we get to go to San Diego to visit my aunt and uncle. I’m super excited because it’s not that far a drive and we just haven’t done it since we’ve lived here. FOR SHAME! That and my aunt and uncle are just plain awesome and we all have a good time whenever we see them. We have plans to go to the San Diego Zoo, the Safari Park (I am not used to calling it that. It’s still the Wild Animal Park in my head!!), Balboa Park to the science center, La Jolla to see the seals, and I don’t remember what else. The biggest part is a surprise to the younglings. We’re taking them to a certain theme park (not the mouse theme park! I wish!!) that is in San Diego. It has to do with a certain kind of small building blocks… We’re not telling them a THING. We’re just going to get them up in the morning, get them dressed, and drive there. I will have to have my camera set on video for when we arrive and they see the sign. Oh, I’m excited. They have actually been asking to go for a while now and we just keep saying, “No, it’s too expensive.” or “No, we don’t have the time to take off and go there.” Can’t wait!! I know it’s not as exciting as the Magic Kingdom, but hey. That’ll be another trip, another time. We take what we can get. This will be grrrrreat (said in a Scottish accent, of course. Not Tony the Tiger).

*****

I was watching Netflix last night and started watching a movie called “From Prada to Nada”. It’s a modern day take on “Sense and Sensibility”. It was cute, just not what I wanted to watch. I mean, heck, the good version of S&S with Emma Thompson, Kate Winslet, and Hugh Grant is on Netflix. Why not just watch that? Anyway, I found it kind of amusing how this centered around a Latino family, so of course they had to change the daughters’ names from Maryanne and Elenor. Nora was a good fit. But the younger daughter was just Mary. Really? An Hispanic guy with THAT thick an accent is going to name his daughter Mary? Make it Maria and I’d find it more realistic. Just made me giggle. I might have to try watching the rest of it later today. It wasn’t bad. Just not great. I watched “Elizabeth” instead.

*****

Parker is determined he is going to be Thor when he grows up. “Then,” he says, “I can save you all the time, Mom!” What a sweetheart!

*****

How else is SO EXCITED for “The Hobbit” to come out?!?!?! I mean, sure, we have to wait a year. But that preview looks AAAAHHHHH. MAAAAAAAZE. INNNNNNNNG. I love Peter Jackson. I’m so glad he ended up doing this movie after all. Oh! And the guy playing Bilbo Baggins? He was Tim in the UK’s “The Office”. Nice.

*****

My new motto: Fake it ’til you make it.
Is it working??

The good news is that marching band is almost over. As much as I love marching band and teaching color guard… HALLELUJAH!!! I have been so busy and it has invaded every part of my life. I don’t feel like I am getting the things done at home that I need to. My kids aren’t getting the attention they need. Aiden is having a great school year overall, but there are some parts just falling behind. I attribute it to the fact that I’m not home most afternoons or evenings to truly oversee homework time. Dallin’s year is getting better, now that he’s been moved to a new class. He still has his moments — at school, church, and home — but overall he seems to be doing well. We’re trying to nip the angry reactions and behavior in the bud… and it mostly works. Again, I feel like if I were home more I could be more on top of things. I also just feel like they are feeling left out so much. They need their mom’s attention and I’m not giving it to them. I do not know how working moms can find the balance of work, motherhood, and home. My house is a complete disaster. Truly a disaster… I don’t mean it like most people when they say “oh my house is such a mess” when really it means they have a couple of papers on the coffee table and a couple of toys scattered on the floor. I mean, this is a true disaster. It’s disgusting. Dishes aren’t getting washed, laundry isn’t even making it into baskets, much less getting done. There are school papers spread everywhere, shoes scattered throughout the house, and actual trash covering the floor. I hate Halloween candy wrappers, by the way. I don’t know the last time the bathrooms have been cleaned, and I hate the fingerprints all over the pantry door, back door, cupboards, bedroom doors, bathroom doors, etc. The banister (which is supposed to be white) looks like I was trying an inking technique to “antique” it, but it didn’t work. The carpets, which were once upon a time a light beige color, are dark brown with black spots all over. I need to get the carpets professionally cleaned. Badly. But who has money for that? The bedrooms have piles of clothes everywhere that we need to go through and get rid of because they don’t fit anyone, toys are scattered everywhere, and Legos have taken over the floor of the Spare Oom so badly I can’t walk in there to put anything away. I am so overwhelmed I don’t even know where to start. I would like it all to burn down so we can start from scratch.

This pregnancy is kicking my butt. Seriously. I went to the doctor on Monday and she said, “Have you been nauseous? Because you’ve lost quite a bit of weight since the last time you were here.” Uhhh, yeah!! I know you’re not my regular doctor, but it should be there in the file that I requested medication last time, too. I literally cannot count how many times a day I vomit. I lose count. Nothing is staying in me. Nothing. I eat, and I vomit. I don’t eat, and I vomit. There is not compromise. So a month ago I was put on Zofran (a medication that is given to chemo patients to reduce nausea). Well, the Zofran worked as far as getting rid of the nausea. That was the good news. The bad news was that it made me dizzy and fuzzy and I felt like I was going to pass out constantly. I woke up in the middle of the night one night and my body felt like lead. I literally couldn’t lift my arms. So I quit taking the Zofran, thinking it was better to be sick than to pass out in the car while I was driving to work or something.

I had always heard that having babies in your 20s is completely different than having babies in your 30s. I’m here to testify… that is TOTALLY TRUE. I had the three boys all in my 20s, and while I don’t have the easiest pregnancies, they were all easier than this one is. I am already having Braxton Hicks! I am 12 weeks now, and on Sunday I noticed I was having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions. They don’t hurt at all. They are just kind of intense for this early in the pregnancy, at least from what I’m used to. I have had a few every night. Also, I can’t believe how tired and lacking of energy I am. I mean, the first trimester has always been the hardest for me, and maybe it’s just been long enough that I don’t remember, but this is SO hard. I just want to sleep all day, every day. I have a hard time getting the motivation to do anything. I’m just so out of it all the time. Anyway… enough of the pregnancy complaints.

I so often feel like I’m failing in all my duties and I don’t know where to start in order to get back on track. It’s just easier to blame it all on pregnancy or work-related stress or wrackspurts. Here’s hoping I can get things worked out and get back on track… soon…

Several weeks ago I made an appointment with our favorite hairstylist, Jenna, to cut Ches and the boys’ hair. Aiden refused the cut. I said, “That’s fine. You can either just trim it, or let it go as long as you want.” He opted to let it go.

A couple of weeks later Aiden admitted to me that he was growing his hair out because he wanted to see how long it would take before I freaked out. I laughed and said, “It’s just hair. I don’t care. You can grow it to your ankles and I’m not going to care. You can do whatever you want with your hair.”

He looked a little troubled for a minute, then quietly asked, “Then can I get a haircut?”

I want to live in Europe. For just a few years. Maybe permanently.

I want to experience something totally new. I want to learn a new language. I want to live the lifestyle of a European… one who enjoys life and family. Where stores close and people leave work at 5 pm. Where nothing is open on Sundays because it’s a family day. Where everyone rides a bike or walks where they need to go. Where public transportation is huge and works well, so you don’t need a car to get everywhere. Where exercise isn’t going to the gym and killing yourself, but just a part of daily life (the walking and bike riding…). Where food tastes amazing and people take the time to enjoy their meals. Where the scenery is just breath-taking, the architecture is amazing, the history is so alive…

There is so much more to it than that. I know it’s easily dismissed. I can’t explain it properly, but I have always felt this pull… I belong there. I want it. I need it.

The biggest problem is I am just a teacher and stay at home mom. And I married a teacher. It’s not like either of us have jobs that can get us transferred overseas for even a short time. And don’t tell me about DODS. I know how that works (believe me, I have looked into it!). They aren’t exactly looking for band directors to teach at these American schools. And it’s super hard to actually get Western Europe. (Asia apparently is easier).

So I will continue to read all about other people’s experiences and look at my pictures from Switzerland and England and try to remember my time in Norway and I’ll save and save and save and hopefully make another trip (this time with Ches) in the next 10 years or so… All the time wishing and hoping and dreaming for something that apparently I just can’t have. I’m kind of used to that anyway.

The thing is, I have sat my children down before. They know all about this day. Well, as much as I feel is necessary for such young children to know. I have mourned and continue to grieve for those lost on this day because of the massive amount of hate from another group of people. I mourn the loss of life. I mourn the loss of innocence. I mourn for the feeling of stability and security we (perhaps falsely) had before this day 10 years ago.

Today, however, I don’t feel up to it. I am just looking for tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day. And on and on as we continue to move forward and rebound. I loved what Cara said on Facebook today of using tomorrow to rise up and move forward by participating “in an act of kindness, an action of renewal, or a gesture of betterment.” That is what our country did so well starting on 9/12, and we should continue that. I remember being completely amazing at the spirit of the people of my country, not just in the shows of patriotism, but also in the unity of all people of this beautiful land, and how all people really did rise up. In the past 10 years we’ve lost that unity. We’ve become so divided over such trivial things. I want my children to know peace and security and happiness. And I want them to show others they know what kindness really is.

Yes, I remember 9/11. I want to live 9/12.

Okay. “Parker, do you know what a date is?”

“Yes. You go on a date. With girls.”

“Parker, you’re not allowed to date until your 16, buddy.”

Sad face from Parker. “Oh. I just wanted to go on a date with Ellie.”

“What do you do on dates?”

“You know. I don’t know. But there is lots of kissing.”

“Who told you that, Parker?”

“My brain. And Aiden.”

Aiden, who was reading a book in the very back seat, gives a sly smile. Charles whispers, “Fist bump, man!” and the two seem proud of themselves.

Obviously, I have a lot on my plate when these boys become teenagers!!

Monday:
Aiden to orchestra by 7:40 am.
Dallin and carpool to school at 8:30.
Parker to preschool at 11:45.
Pick up Parker at 1:45.
Boys are home by 4:15.
Dinner at 5:00
Leave for rehearsal by 5:45
Guard/band rehearsal in Tempe 6:30 to 9:30.
Get home by 10:30, and crash in bed.

Tuesday:
Boys up at 7:30 and drive the carpool at 8:30 am.
Dinner in the crockpot by noon.
Guard rehearsal in Tempe at 3 pm. Leave early at 4.
Dinner at 5.
Guard/band rehearsal here from 6 to 9 pm.
Home by 9:30, crash in bed.

Wednesday:
Aiden to orchestra by 7:40
Dallin and carpool off to school at 8:30
Parker to preschool at 11:45
Volunteer in Aiden’s classroom noon to 1:10.
Pick up Parker at 1:45
Guard rehearsal here 2:45 to 5:30. (Ches takes Parker and meets the boys at home and makes dinner)
Ches back at school at 5:30 for drumline. I take the boys home.
Dinner as soon as I get home.
Aiden to cub scouts at 6 pm.
Pick up Aiden at 7 pm.
Kids in bed at 8/8:30.
Ches home by 9:30. He crashes in bed. I finish up what I didn’t get done all day.

Thursday:
Aiden to orchestra by 7:40.
Dallin and carpool to school at 8:30.
Boys home by 4:15.
Teach flute lesson at 4:30.
Dinner at 5:30 or 6.
Relief Society meeting (once a month) at 6.
Book Club (once a month) at 8:30

Friday:
Kids to school at 8:30.
Parker to preschool at 11:45.
Pick up Parker at 1:45.
Kids home by 4:15.
Football call time about 5 pm.
Game starts at 7.
Home by 10:30
EVERYONE crashes in bed.

Saturday:
Competition days are usually an all day thing… up early, home late. Blech.

Sunday:
SLEEP IN.
Church at 1 pm to 3 pm.
Choir 3:15 to 4-ish.

It doesn’t look that bad when I put it all out there like that. It feels a TON worse. Of course, when I have those huge gaps of time where I’m not driving to rehearsal or dropping kids off to preschool, I’m making dinner ahead of time, doing laundry, cleaning the house, reading books (yes, I still make time to read!), and Facebooking (of course!). I feel like al I’m doing right now is running and running. I am so tired. And I’m not sleeping well at night.

I wanted to go to bed at 9 pm last night. Couldn’t get my body to relax. So I watched “Wild Target” on Netflix (loved it, by the way! It had Bill Nighy, Emily Blunt, Rupert Grint, and Rupert Everett in it) and drank some of my Swiss Caotina hot cocoa so I could relax. Went to bed about 11:30 pm. And I tossed and turned until at least 2:30 am. I. Am. Exhausted.

I have to plan my meals very carefully because I just don’t have time to sit every night and think, “What shall I make?” and I certainly don’t have the money to get takeout. Ever. Thankfully I have been introduced to the website Our Best Bites which is the yummiest food… and my kids have liked everything I have made from them so far!! It’s awesome!! Tuesday night is my Crock Pot night… and I’m thinking Wednesday night will either have to be another Crock Pot night or it will be pre-made, frozen dinner night. I haven’t figured out Wednesdays just yet. Friday night is a treat for the boys… I get them concession stand food. They love it.

I don’t have time to hang out at the park with the other moms after school anymore. Right now it’s fine because it’s so blasted hot (seriously, 115 degrees and up… We had 119 last week. MISERABLE!!), but I do miss talking to other adults. My life is all about my kids and high schoolers at the moment. Love them all, but I crave adult friendship. I don’t feel like I have much of that going on, but I’ve felt that the past 3 years, too. It’s just more severe right now.

The funny thing is, as much as I am stressed and busy, I wouldn’t want it different. Aiden loves orchestra and is so excited about playing the double bass. I love color guard and it’s so fun to be back in the game. And I get paid for it! Sweet! Dallin is in a new class and seems to be thriving in it. And Parker adores preschool. Overall, we’re all pretty happy with what we have going on. It’s hard, but we make it work.

I was watching the fourth and last part last night. Now, as a disclaimer… I have been extremely stressed as of late. I am not sleeping well, so rather than go to bed to toss and turn for hours on end, I stay up to watch movies or read books until I can’t keep my eyes open anymore and then I can go right to sleep (I should really buy some new Melatonin, I know). Because of lack of sleep, extreme stress and anxiety over everything going on in my life, and just plain old being the kind of girl I am, I was very emotional as I watched the movie last night.

If you have not seen the movie and don’t want any spoilers, don’t read any further. For everyone else…

So Osbourne dies. We all knew it was coming. But I cried anyway. I cried for Osbourne. I cried for his secret French wife. I cried for his little child. I cried for The Squire (his father, played by Michael Gambon). The Squire carries Osbourne’s body back to the house and up to his old room. And then, when Molly (the central character) arrives, The Squire really starts to mourn. He cries and moans and sobs. And my tears are falling freely down my cheeks. I was so sad! I’m getting almost teary-eyed thinking about it now. I didn’t want sad, but there you go. I got it anyway. Things started to look up and I dried my cheeks from my tears.

And now, for the kicker…

At the end of the movie, Roger finally realizes he is in love with Molly. He is about to go off on another safari in Africa and wants to declare his love to Molly, but because he has been exposed to scarlet fever and Molly has not, her father (a doctor) won’t let Roger come see Molly. So Roger comes to Molly’s house and stands across the street, in the rain, and waits for her to look out the window so he can wave goodbye to her. Ahhh! So sweet! She waves and he waves, and then he’s off to meet his carriage. Molly decides she can’t leave it at a wave, so she takes off running from her home, in the pouring rain, to meet the carriage before it leaves. Alas, she is too late. She stands there, in the middle of the street, watching the carriage drive off, and looking so forlorn in the rain without a coat or a bonnet or anything. And then we hear a voice… “I couldn’t go.”

It’s Roger! He stayed behind!! Now both of them are standing in the rain and Roger declares his love and proposes and Molly of course says yes! And they are standing several feet apart and just staring at each other and smiling! They can’t come any closer, you see, because of the risk of scarlet fever. So they just stand there, staring and smiling and radiating love…

I was crying all over again. It was so beautiful! He couldn’t go. He just couldn’t go without seeing if he had a chance with Molly. And I was eating it up. I just love me some good movie romance. And now I’m off to find more romance and see what else I can cry over.

And if, like the Chocolate Phoenix family, you find that you spend the majority of your summer in the pool…

(Because if, like the Chocolate Phoenix family, you live in Phoenix and it’s too hot to do anything except spend the majority of your summer in the pool…)

And if, like the Chocolate Phoenix family, you wish your children had just a little bit of independence so no one is hanging on your neck while you’re trying to keep yourself afloat…

Then you should follow the CHOCOLATE PHOENIX SCHOOL OF SWIMMING METHOD. It’s easy. I’ll share with you our secret to swimming. (Note: I know that this isn’t a real method. This is just what we did with our kids. It’s not something we even thought out. So don’t anyone actually try this and then blame me when it doesn’t work or your kid drowns. You know your kid. You do what will work for your kid! I take NO responsibility for anyone else.)

First, get your kids comfortable with the water by making them get in the pool just about every day, no matter what. Got a migraine? Take some Exceddrin and go anyway. Sunburned? Put on extra sunscreen, try to stay in the shade and go anyway. Just don’t feel like going? Too bad. Go anyway.

Our kids wear arm floaties or a life jacket so they are completely happy to swim and don’t have to just sit on the step or hang on to Mom or Dad.  We still stay near them and keep an eye on them, but having floaties or a life jacket really makes a difference and gives our kids a lot more freedom in the water. They learn to kick and paddle (you can only paddle with your arms with a life jacket, though). We teach them how to plug their nose and jump in. They like to put their face under water and wear goggles and “dive” (because of life jackets, we have to push them pretty hard) for toys. They learn to hold their breath and not be afraid of the water or of not being able to always have their feet touching the ground.

Then, when they have hit about age four or five, they need incentive. Last summer, Dallin wanted to jump off the diving board at a public pool. He wasn’t allowed to wear a life jacket for that, and we told him he had to be able to jump in the water and swim to the other side without a life jacket. Apparently that was all the incentive he needed. He took his life jacket off and just went for it. Within three days he was ready to jump off the diving board! Amazing! Before that, he literally sank like a rock. I honestly never thought he’d learn to swim on his own.

If you can’t find the right incentive, you bargain. With Parker this summer, we told him he could swim all he wanted with the life jacket, but he had to take it off and do some swimming for 5 minutes every single time we went to the pool. He was so scared he would cry and shake violently. He did this for weeks. However, he could actually swim for a few feet just fine. We had to convince him to keep doing it. We bargained for just five minutes. This past week, when he took the life jacket off, he no longer shook with fear. He whimpered a bit, but swam anyway. His death grip on my got a little looser. We bargained for longer and longer bits of time. Yesterday, we got him to take off the jacket and cheered him on as he swam further and further. Then I asked him if he wanted to jump into the pool and swim. We just wanted to see if he could do it. I don’t know where this sudden bravery came from, but Parker just climbed out of the pool, back up several feet, shouted, “Cannon ball!!!!” and jumped in the pool towards Ches. Then he popped up, and swam to his dad. It. Was. AMAZING. And he had so much fun doing it that he continued to do it! Over and over again! And he just kept swimming!!

Once you have your child okay with swimming small bits on their own, you go back to the pool. A lot. They have to remember that they can do this! So back to the pool we went today. Parker didn’t even want to take the life jacket as a “just in case”. He knew he could swim. And he does just fine. It’s awesome.

I knew Parker would be swimming on his own this summer. I honestly didn’t expect it to happen this soon! We’re all very excited for him. Now, if you’ll excuse me, the pool awaits…

I am a liar.

I don’t mean to be. I don’t think most liars mean to be liars. We just fall into bad patterns. We are full of good intentions. You know what they say about good intentions, though. Apparently I’m on a path to Hell. Sigh.

I intend to keep up with my blog and write well. I tell everyone I’m going to blog at least once a week (but I’d like to go back to three times a week) and it’s going to be great. I’m going to work on my novel. I’m going to finish reading Dave’s novel. I’m going to deep clean my house. I’m going to walk at least four miles a day, every day. I’m going to practice my flute for an hour every day and the piano for at least half an hour. I’m going to finish watching “Firefly” so Ches and I can watch “Serenity”. I’m going to send random emails to my friends. I’m going to make my kids keep up with their writing and math skills all summer.

So far… nothin’. I am a liar.

But I’m working on it. I’m forcing myself to be honest and truthful and stick to my word. And when I don’t… feel free to call me on it. You guys who read my blog are my real friends… go for it. Call me out. I welcome it!

There now. I blogged. Now I’m going to go walking. And later I’m sending out a couple of emails. Seriously.